Archive:
Main Archive
11/07/2003
23/06/2003
Contact:
Powered by:
09:50 p.m. Thursday, July 31, 2003
I'm don't think there is such a thing as fate, but luck certainly exists. It's impossible to predict everything, and many events are out of our control. It's almost like we wonder through life, subjected to the random choices the universe makes, doomed by the to the life we are handed. Clearly we have some influence, but it certainly seems that way some times.
I met a girl while on that stupid Gateway to Work course. She was into power metal. We seemed to get on. I figured things were good, I could even ignore the fact that she smoked. Gave her my phone number, but she never called... damn it. I try to forget the whole Usagi thing, that hurt in a way I didn't know was possible... not immediate or harsh... more like a hand, slowly strangling the life from my heart.
Still, things might get better... in a way, they always do. Somehow, I am still living and will be tomorrow. Life continues, slowly slipping away from me. I suppose maybe I'm bitter. Once I had it all within my grasp, and now it's fallen away. I can trace it all back to one random event.
Many people dismiss nihilism as the philosophy of the chronically depressed. However, as nihilism suggests, distraction is the only reason to live, and when things are not good and you are confronted by life in it's most basic form... a mission from god this ain't.
Nothing is over until the last drop falls, but my blood runs thin. How much more can my heart bleed before the last beat, the final one sounding as I collapse to the ground?
What next...?
10:39 p.m. Wednesday, July 30, 2003
MoJo-chan is lost :(
The IT market seems to be dead. It has shrunk 1.3% in the last year, and no one seems to think it will get better any time soon. 250,000 IT jobs have already been moved from the US to India, and the UK is getting the same idea. In fact, I read on Slashdot today that some are predicting 50% of IT jobs in the US will be moved overseas by the end of 2004. It's easy to see why, I mean how can westerners compete with people who have the same skills but who think £4000/year makes them upper middle class?
This is kind of worrying for me. I spent like six years building up to a Computing degree, and the shear soul crushing depression that results from the thought that it migth all have been a waste of time is too much to think about. I don't really know anything else... and I don't really want to do much else to be honest either. It's so frustrating... I know I could do a lot if only given the chance, but there is so much competition I don't think I'll ever get that vital break at this rate.
Consider this job in Southampton I have applied for. Tech support level 2, basically one step above the front line helpdesk. Salary is £19500-24500. About what I was expecting around a year and a half ago (at least the lower end is). Now, I'm in competition with people who have been made redundant and who have years of IT experience, and people who are comming out of Southampton uni with 1st's and 2-1's. I'm basically screwed, seemingly destined to end up in some crappy tech support job where the only requirement is 5 GCSEs and an ECDL, or even worse with my wedged firmly up Bill Gates ass writing VB code all day.
One possible way out might be to start my own company. Don't what exactly I'm not sure... I have some ideas for products I think could be good, but I don't know much about starting a company and hiring the people I'd need to make them, let alone finding funding etc. I'm quite interested in system administration too, but that seems like one of the first things that companies will farm out to other countries since it's so easy to do over the net. In fact, most people who work in the same building as the server use a net connection to fiddle with it....
So, there is this Postgrad Diploma in Philosophy at Sussex. I'd have to commute there, which sounds like a lot of fun. Damn glad I have MP3 in my car, best thing I ever did probably. Not sure where it will get me, except that it will be a better qualification from a better university than what I have now, and when I finish I'll be 24 so chances are even if I can't get a job I'll be 25 by the time they start thinking about New Deal again, and so won't be put on it.
New Deal really sucks. It's good if you are a bricky or want to work in retail all your life, but for me it's a waste of time for the most part. I guess there isn't much they can do to be fair, if there simply are no jobs. If I don't find work in the next few weeks I have a choice: do an NVQ, start by own business, take a job where someone is paid to employ me (data entry, then), or do more education. Portsmouth do an MSc in Software Engineering, but it looks mind numbingly uninteresting, so unless I want to do another degree or HND I'm kinda reliant on Sussex accepting me. Things don't look good no matter what happens, much as I think I'd enjoy philosophy...
At the end of the day, I feel ripped-off. I studied damn hard, worked my ass off, all the time being told that it would bring rewards and land me a good job. In actual fact, it looks like I'll end up doing the same thing I'd be doing if I left school at 16, something I know I can do better than. Yes, the world isn't fair, but that doesn't mean I can't be upset when it screws me over.
The day after
04:23 p.m. Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I was really tired yesterday. I was going to write something, but didn't feel like it in the end.
Well, it didn't go too badly. I passed the grammar test, although I was quite worried that I had failed it for a while as they were doing the marking.
The teaching presentation went well enough I guess. Could have been more genki, but I suppose I did okay. I'm not sure about the interview at the end, some of the stuff I managed to talk about okay but I messed up a few of the questions. The guy giving the interview said it was okay as I had no experience of teaching (they do after all provide training), but still... he seemed in a bit of a rush, probably because I was the last person to see him and he wanted to go home.
I was getting a little worked up during the day. I was feeling okay until I actually got in there. After a bit it was okay though. It was just weird, I never normally have that problem... or have not had it for many, many years. That feeling seems to me to be part of the old me, the one that no longer exists. I suppose maybe it's universal, just much more suppressed and unusual now.
I guess I'll wait and see. I am starting to wonder if I can do this teaching gig though. Well, actually, I'm sure I can do it, it's more a question of if I want to. I used to think so, but I'm wondering a little bit now. I suppose it depends on a lot of things, like if they offer me a place of my own in Tokyo for example :)
Only a few hours left
10:24 p.m. Monday, July 21, 2003
Tomorrow is the day. I'm off to bed in a moment, gotta try and get some sleep.
Been relativly calm today actually... should be okay. I need to balance being cool and collected with being genki for the interview and teaching demo. At least I know the area around the interview location a bit (London College, near T.C.R.)
I guess it's not so bad really, there are other schools who have shown an interest and there is this thing in Southampton. But still, I will try my best. I know if I fail I'll only push harder next time, but I think I have at least a 50/50 chance.
Train is at either 7:30 or 8:09, so better get to bed.
Two... minutes... to midnight!
12:21 a.m. Sunday, July 20, 2003
"To kill the unborn on the womb..." Sorry, got Iron Maiden lyrics echoing round my head.
Found this interesting blog: Average In Japan. Weblog of a guy who went on holiday there. Been talking to Friend Dale about his trip there too...
It's such a huge change, moving out there... but, somehow I'm certain I want to do it. More certain than usual. At worst it's a year, at best it's a brilliant adventure and a chance to start teaching.
There is some tech support stuff at Soton council in the paper. Looks really good, no crappy VB or Access programming and £19-25k/year. However, I'm still getting a little nervous about Tuesday... the interview, the teaching demo.
Not sure what to do for that. Might take a book and do some interactive reading. I have a few other ideas, but they are currently classified (just in case anyone I know actually reads this...) Gotta get through it though, gotta try. Some moments I feel really confident, others I don't. I suppose I just don't know what to expect at all.
Still, train is all booked, suit ready etc. I just hope it's not too hot and that they have plenty of coffee on the train :-)
BBC News reporting
11:17 p.m. Sunday, July 13, 2003
It seems to me like the BBC has lost it's way with news reporting. They used to be impartial, but now they are risking that by sensationalising their stories.
There was a report a few days ago about a new scheme to help drug adicts recover. Some ex-adicts were interviewed, as well as a victim of drug related crime. Thing is, there was no real need to have those two on there. The main focus of the story was that those on the rehab front line thought that the targets of the scheme were unrealistic, and of course the reporting of our governments new policy.
By interviewing the adict and victim, the BBC not only made the report fill more time (time that could have been used for important news stories that didn't make it onto the screen), but to add a human interest element to the story. Everyone is afraid of drug related crime, right? The adict talking about how she would steal anything and the victim sounding helpless and violated all helped to give the story that ratings winning edge.
My problem is that these kinds of reports distory reality in peoples minds, as was show in the film Bowling for Columbine. Another problem is that it goes well beyond reporting the facts. The impression given by the report was not offset against figures or proper discussion of drug related crime, so I think it would have been best to just leave it at the facts and forget the rest. Newsnight is the place to have a debate, and if you are not going to have an informed one then don't report in such a way as to require debate for the report to be misleading or incomplete.
Time to get serious
12:51 a.m. Sunday, July 13, 2003
I just got a couple of application forms through the (e)mail, both for Japanese English schools. One offered me an interview on the 22nd. I'm still considering this. It will be damn hard, but I can get these jobs.
The wheels are starting to turn, finally my job prospects and life in general are looking up a bit. Caution is advisable, after all I may fail completely, but it's a good goal to work towards. Gotta try. Gotta try damn hard. It's really all I have to look foreward to at the moment.
The nature of Man
12:03 a.m. Saturday, July 12, 2003
Been doing a lot of thinking about morality recently. I don't believe in an abstract morality (for example, one laid down by God), instead each person must decide upon their own.
What got me thinking was Satre's idea that people are constantly forced to choose, and by making that choice define an entire morality weather they like it or not. The typical example is the soldier, order to do something he thinks is wrong. Failure to carry out the order will result in him being shot, yet he is still forced to make a decision. He could choose to die - even with a gun to his head he is forced to make a decision.
In light of this and other systems of morality, how can anyone justify modern life? Most people in the west have a TV, nice clothes, they spend money on entertainment... they are surrounded by luxuries. At the same time, people starve to death or die for lack of medical care in third world countries. The statement that each and every one of us is making is simply this:
Luxuries are more important to me than the life of someone I don't know and will never see.
What sickens me the most are events like Comic Releif, and other fund raising events. Apart from the fact that the amount of money raised is often pitiful in the face of, say, money spent finding new and more efficient ways to kill people, or the amount that single, very rich entities could afford to donate, the whole thing is just a way for people to ease their conscience. If people really did care about the lives of other human beings, they would give up life's luxuries and use the time and money saved to help them. The fact is, the suffering of others makes people feel bad, but by giving some small change here and there they can feel like they are "doing their bit" and "making a real difference".
Of course, I give money to cancer research, but only because I have a vested interest. It affects people I care about (not to mention myself). At least I'm honest when it comes to things I care about.
So, if most people take this attitude and share this view (even if they don't realise it), does that make it right? It seems to come down to this: is human nature "right" or should we be above it? Some would argue that we are more than just animals, working on instinct and controlled by emotion. However, as I have said before, I think emotion and the human experience is all that really matters. Abstract thought is important, but by itself is cold. I accept that I am a human being, and that I need certain emotional input. Thought alone is not enough. With that in mind, I think it is ligitimate to consider human nature in morality.
It does not seem possible to care about everything bad in the world - the emotional stress would be too great. The knowledge that the actions of one individual rarely have much impact on a global scale seems to re-enforce that. It seems to be a favorite saying of well meaning people that "anything is possible if you put your mind to it", but to effect global chance it seems you need to be an exceptional individual and exceptionally lucky. Perhaps they have been visiting Zombo.com a little too often, if that's possible...
So, I think it's a legitimate stance to take. It's impossible to care about every poor starving person in the world, and as a product of a western society I would find it almost impossibly hard to give up all luxuries anyway. A defeatist attitude perhaps, but I tend to think of it more like a realistic one.
Of course, there is the question as to whether we should even care about those people. The common argument is that they are human beings, capable of free will and thought, somehow better than all the other animals. There is of course a lot of truth to this, although when it is legal to put down an animal that is in pain yet not legal to do a human being the same courtacy, you have to wonder if people (for we live in a democracy) really do think that. I think it is more likely that they have been told repeatedly that human life is somehow "sacred", that it most be prolonged at all costs, that it must be valued above all else. Of course, the people who say that are the same ones who would rather have their luxuries than save a few people in Africa.
"But MoJo-chan, how heartless of you to just let them die!" you say. A slightly useless but valid response would be "But reader, how heartless of you to not let me die!", for suicide and assisted suicide are both illegal. Of course, that is law, not the feelings of the individual. I am not heartless, I am capable of caring for someone a great deal, too much I sometimes think. I simply admit that I don't care enough about some people to give up the things I take for granted, the things I want. Until I meet someone who has done so, I will not accept anyone who has not claiming to be taking a moral high-ground. It may be a traditionally immoral stance to take, but at least I am honest (and thus traditionally moral) enough to admit it.
MoJo-chan is 23 and lives in the UK. He believes in a humanistic form of existential nihilism. Current favorite band is power metal outfit Sonata Arctica and mostly watches Love Hina and Chobits.
Quote:
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, does not go away.
- Philip K. Dick